“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
You Might Also Like
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
*exercises sarcastically*
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE