Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.

Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.

I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.