Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

ㅤ

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone