I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
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Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
*feels the wind in my toe hair