I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
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We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
black phone good
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school