I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
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Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings