I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
You Might Also Like
This makes total sense…
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.