Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

is this how new cars are made??

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.

Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”