I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
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*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I’m having an out of money experience.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’