I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
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That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.