“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
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A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
ME: and the hell, is it fresh?
2025: oh yes, the freshest
ME: wonderful, and is that my…
2025: your handbasket, yes
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse