“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
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Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
SF is the wild wild west man
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
🏙👨🏼
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown