I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
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You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
How it started How it’s going
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Boating season is upon us.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.