I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand