Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

hair coloring options for women:

out of a box = $12.99

going to a hair salon = $7,000

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.

We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?

ME: I took care of it.

BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer