I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
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[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?