I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
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You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
DON’T TELL ME MY DISHWASHING SPONGE IS “CONTAMINATED.” MY SWEET DEPARTED GRANDMA GAVE ME THAT SPONGE. YOU KEEP MY GRANDMA’S NAME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
*limbos under the caution tape
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
The glory of fall.
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.