Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

I was bored.

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

Who knew!

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol

HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!