Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

What about second breakfast?

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

Raisins are grape jerky.

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again