I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
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I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.