I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
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The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.