I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
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All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious