I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
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Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.