I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
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me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
yes… yes…
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
