i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
You Might Also Like
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass