I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
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Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.