I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
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Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?