I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
You Might Also Like
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”