I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
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Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
felt that
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Risking my life for fun.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
