Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.

Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.

Note to self: I am a note

If only.

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.