I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
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Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Love it! 👍😂
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you