Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

She was rare, like a goth jogging

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

@ candidates for local office

Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.