Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

Me: I only use one side of my brain.

Them: Which side?

Me: The bad one.

As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]

10: this is nice dad

me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.

10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?

me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

No selfies while hijacking a train.

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.