Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

CDC: keep at least 6 feet—

Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

just leave it at the foot of the bed

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

Woke up against my better judgement again

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?