Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

Me: have a great eye for detail

Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

huge valentines day plans this year!!

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE