I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
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america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
*checks Timeline*…
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
