I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
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STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Damn what did I do next
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class