Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:

Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.

Me: OMG what happened?!

[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

Breaking news:

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

This came to me in a dream.

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle

The jungle: please stop bringing people here

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

Don’t forget to tip your server

Boss: Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday.

Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!

Me: It is if you go as Christmas.

Boss:…

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma