I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
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MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.