Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
“I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE,” I scream, as a sudden gust of wind blows the spider I threw outside onto my face.
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-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
but was it fire…?
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
“you’re so beautiful” nice try Jesse the Uber driver, i bet you say that to all the vulnerable and scared women who get into your car alone
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
At the gym I go to there is a dumpy soft bodied dude who sits on the floor while his mega hot Instagram model gym girlfriend works out. They smile & talk to eachother but he never works out he just chills alone playing on his phone
Anyway he’s the most alpha dude at the gym 100%