dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
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“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry