I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
You Might Also Like
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Ooops wrong house😂😜
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
