I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
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Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?