Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

broke down and did it

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

who did the taste test?

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste

shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read

Love is in the air fryer.

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

this came to me in a vision

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.