I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
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If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.