I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
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Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
same but as an audience member
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.