I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
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i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale
Pretty good – Not good
Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks
It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going
Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life
Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Autocarrot sucks!
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?