Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

👍

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it

Bill is short for Billiam

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

What legos do when we’re not looking.

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*