Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

In Canada they just call them geese

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

Extremely relatable.

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.

roses are red
i fall when i skate

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

Dating Profile

Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected