Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

Morning.

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

My five year plan is a meteorite

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.