I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
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Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
3% human
97% stress
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware