I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
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Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I went from rags to one rag.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?