Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.