I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
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Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
This classic never gets old . . .