I should have stayed in kindergarten.
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January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Oops I deleted….
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie