I should have stayed in kindergarten.
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My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse