I should have stayed in kindergarten.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
The happy life.. 😊
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.