I should have stayed in kindergarten.
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Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
don’t be scared
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad