I should have stayed in kindergarten.
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*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning