Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.