I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
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[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.