I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
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I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me: