I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
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Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.