I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
dril cadence
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
