I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Hotels are back
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
not seeing the problem
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
cry laughing at this shit
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
