I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
