Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

Try and stop me.

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either