I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
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This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
*limbos away from your hug*
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks