I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
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Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
A short story about romance.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.