I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
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Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
channeling her this year
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.