I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
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*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.