Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

[Arthur’s Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.