I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
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Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife