I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
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My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.