Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope

oh no, steve’s working tonight

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you

Me: Where was he?

Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car

Me *impressed* he really went for it

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids