“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
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It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!