“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
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It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
“A little help here, Danny?”
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.