Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

Local community Facebook pages are like:

“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

It’s an epidemic…

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb